Emotions 101: The Healthiest Ways to Relate To Your Feelings May Surprise You

There is a persistent meme in our culture that we should feel happy all the time. Particularly in the spiritual world where the latest spin on the Law of Attraction meme can give the impression that if only you felt good all the time and just maintained “higher vibes” you’d attract everything you desire (gotta love when consumerism and pop spirituality converge). This can fuel the belief that feeling the whole range of emotions is somehow bad, unevolved, or unhealthy. The science of mindfulness and emotional regulation is showing that the opposite is true. A recent study showed that believing that certain emotions are “unacceptable” was associated with an increased risk of depression, anxiety, and fatigue. The key to becoming an optimistic, happy person does NOT, in fact, lie in never experiencing unpleasant emotions, but rather becoming skilled in relating to the full spectrum of emotions that will inevitably arise. Since there seems to be a lot of conflicting ideas about the how to best manage emotions, I sought the most useful, well-researched techniques on how to best relate to  “all the feels”.

Before I dive into techniques though, you may be wondering how this relates to your physical health. The connection is through the stress response. For many of us in the Western world, our biggest stressors are no longer external threats such as wild animals, or imminent starvation but rather internal stressors, ie. our emotions and thoughts. When these “internal threats” are poorly managed our stress response is activated chronically. Chronic stress is implicated in nearly every disease and mood disorder, so in many ways learning how to healthily relate to your emotions is one of the most important healthy living skills to cultivate. What determines whether our emotions elicit unnecessary stress is how we relate to our emotional states as they arise. Here are the most practical, science-backed ways to develop a compassionate, healthy relationship with your emotional landscape.

 4 Ways To Befriend Your Emotions and Drastically Reduce Your Stress:

1. Don’t try to THINK your way out of emotions. Instead, change your breathing to create true emotional shifts. Rather than trying to force shifts in your thinking, your breath is the key to regulating your emotional state. In research studies, they’ve shown that there are distinct breathing patterns associated with different emotional states. The fascinating part is that this relationship is bidirectional, meaning state shifts can be created in two ways. When you feel a certain emotion you breathe in a specific, predictable way AND if you breathe in a specific way, you will change your emotional state. Slow, deep breathing is associated with more “positive” emotions like happiness. Shallow, rapid breathing was associated with emotions like fear, sadness and anger.  The next time you’re experiencing a distressing emotion, consciously take slow, deep breaths until you feel better.

2. Self-compassion is your best friend in emotional regulation. A common reaction to a distressing emotion is to beat yourself up for feeling bad, which makes you feel even worse. Kicking yourself while you’re down isn’t helpful and leads to rumination, depression, and re-triggers the initial unpleasant emotion. Use your unpleasant emotions as an opportunity to give yourself love and support, just as you would to a good friend who is suffering. Make a pledge to pile self-compassion on top of any emotion, particularly the “negative ones”.  A practical way to evoke self-compassion is mindfulness + kindness. This looks like bringing your awareness to the reality of what you’re feeling and if you recognize it as a moment of suffering use it as a cue to be kind and gentle towards yourself. You can solidify this kindness through a mantra, touching your hand to your heart, or anything else that feels compassionate in the moment.

3. Stay focused on the body sensations associated with the emotion, not your thoughts about what the emotion means. Emotions are inherently an embodied experience as the feelings are a result of a cascade of hormones and neurochemicals. This actual physiologic emotional reaction does not last long unless re-triggered by the mind replaying the story around the emotion. A simple practice is to drop the story (even if it’s really compelling--you can always come back to it) and non-judgmentally observe your body sensations as you experience the emotion. Feel free to label the sensations you’re feeling in your body and watch as they shift and change. This allows the physiological emotional response to dissipate without re-triggering the emotional reaction with our thoughts and narratives about what it means. Meditation teacher, Tara Brach, offers a mindfulness practice that encompasses this technique here.

4. Label the emotion you’re experiencing. There have been some studies showing that simply labeling your emotional experience (ex. I’m feeling sad/mad/anxious ect.) reduces the physiological signs of distress associated with the emotion. This may be due to the recruitment of the higher brain centers  (prefrontal cortex) required to label the emotion, which helps shift out of the more reactive, lower brain centers. Additionally, acknowledging the presence of an emotion brings mindfulness to your experience. Also, labeling offers some distance between you and the experience of the emotion allowing for more space to notice its transience and mindfully choose your response.

Feeling the entire range of human emotions is normal, and necessary. What determines whether our emotions elicit unnecessary stress is our relationship with our emotions as they arise. Embrace the whole range of human emotions and relate to them skillfully using labeling, self-compassion, breathing and awareness of body sensations. As always, I would love to hear about your experience using these techniques!

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What’s Underneath All the Noise? Reflections from Ten Days in Silence

Recently, I attended a ten-day silent meditation retreat. At a Vipassana retreat, your aren’t allowed access to books, journals, iPhones or even eye contact. The intention is to eliminate all external noise in order to create a conducive container for meditation.

Left to my own devices, I’m the type of gal that reads three books a week, listens to podcasts constantly, and compulsively checks social media. I knew this was going to be a challenge. My neurons were habituated to constant stimulation and the transition was rocky. On day three, I was sitting on a bench outside and a mosquito bit me. I was elated---finally some stimulation! On day four, I found myself laughing a little too loud at the nightly dharma talk, reaching desperately for some comedic relief. I read and re-read the course rulebook.  And, eventually, I gave up. I finally surrendered to my inability to control my sensory input and started tuning into my surroundings.

So, what was underneath my constant need for stimulation? Lots of boredom. Emotions: some pleasant, many not. A mind that is obsessively interested in replaying past memories (mainly regarding ex-boyfriends and even some reality TV episodes. Careful what you take in folks, it stays there.). And a persistent feeling of emptiness that I’ve all my life felt compelled to constantly fill with noise, busyness, and persistent stimulation. Pema Chodron talks about making contact with the fundamental slipperiness and mystery of our being, which has no fixed identity. She calls this place the fundamental “groundlessness” of being. This was the place I’d been running away from.

But, is this “groundlessness” to be feared? What compelled me to persistently run away from it? As I continued to sit with this groundless feeling in my meditations, I realized that it is extremely threatening to the part of me that believes I’m in control, the part of me that’s attached to a fixed identity, and prefers pleasure, and resists pain. Sound familiar to anyone else? These are evolutionary mechanisms our brains have evolved to protect us, so moving away from these instincts naturally brings up resistance. As I began to feel more comfortable with and even to befriend the sense of groundlessness, I found a newfound fearlessness arise. If I could stay with the discomfort long enough to notice that all my sensations were in constant transformation, I felt braver to sit with whatever arose. Also, as I was able to sit with the direct experience of groundlessness, there was, in fact, all the stimulation I could ever crave. Here, everything constantly arises and falls away. There is nothing stable in sight. Everything is always new.

Tuning into this constant flux, with neutrality and kindness, offers wisdom about the very nature of reality. Sit with this direct reality long enough and you may even make contact with that which is eternal and unchanging.

To experience the raw nature of reality for yourself, I’d highly recommend attending a course. They are free (donations accepted) and one of the best investments of time you will ever make. In a culture that is hyper-focused on the value of the mind through education and accumulation of knowledge, we are not given tools to understand the mind’s limitations and train it for liberation. Vipassana is Bootcamp for mind liberation. For more information visit: https://www.dhamma.org/en-US/index

The Struggles of a Tech-Addicted Meditator

Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.

 -Simone Weil

My red flag moment was when I found myself scrolling through my iPhone on my meditation pillow. In a laughable yet not uncommon moment my phone worship became undeniable. Through this daily meditation practice, I was committing to training my attention each morning. Yet I also had the habit of checking my phone immediately after my sit, often before I had even left my cushion. As proud as I was of my dedication to my morning practice, it became clear that the remainder of my days often felt like one big training in the art of distraction.

I became interested in attention largely because of the personal consequences I’ve noticed as it’s diminished. With the ubiquity of smartphones and social apps, I’ve noticed my attention span waning (and let’s be honest--mine wasn’t top notch to begin with). A few examples include difficulty finishing books, feeling the need to multitask during movies, and most disturbingly, decreased tolerance for “slow talkers” and lulls in conversation. When you’re used to the predictable and always entertaining input from a device the mysterious, often meandering process of human connection can feel too risky, time-consuming and even boring. Anyone who’s ever attempted a meaningful conversation with someone more interested in their instagram feed knows how damaging this distraction can be.

My movement teacher Katy Bowman teaches that one hour of exercise each day doesn’t offset 23 hours of being sedentary. We are evolved to move with frequency throughout the day and this movement frequency is arguably more important to health than one intense bout of physical activity. I wanted to apply this logic to my meditation practice. A brief attention training in the morning is wonderful, but couldn’t possibly be offsetting the massive splintering of my attention the rest of the day. Perhaps some of my efforts would be better spent reorganizing my 23 1/2 hours to be less of a worship of distraction, which means seriously examining my current relationship with technology.

If our attention is our most valuable and increasingly rare resource, it makes sense to be intentional about how we interact with the devices that strip it of its acuity. And the blame cannot be entirely on those of us who find ourselves unable to control our digital addictions. Some of the brightest minds at the most prestigious companies (Facebook ahem) use the most effective behavioral strategies to keep you clicking, scrolling and liking. Yet, rejecting technology completely is a luxury that many of us cannot afford.These tools can enhance the ability to pursue things like entrepreneurship, education and social connection. In our increasingly tech-enabled world, resistance can seem futile. Yet going with the flow and keeping up with societal norms does not ensure a healthful relationship with our gadgets. Like many other health behaviors, it seems you must deviate outside the cultural norm to protect your health and happiness.

So, in my quest to confront my techaddiction I’ve been experimenting with ways to still engage with technology but set stronger boundaries that prioritize what’s actually important in my life---things like quality of attention, presence and relationships. I honestly had low expectations for my compliance with this new strategy but it’s been surprisingly easy once I started feeling the benefits. Here are some things I’ve been experimenting with.

• Set rules about when I turn my phone on and off each day. I do a digital sunset at the same time each night and don’t turn my phone on in the morning until after my meditation practice. This has drastically improved the quality of my sleep and increased the consistency of my meditation practice. This is coming from someone who used to look at my phone first thing after waking up! Change is possible!

• Beware of the iPhone effect. Research has shown that keeping your mobile device in sight during a conversation significantly lowers empathy level and the quality of conversation. Don’t leave your phone out if you’re talking to someone. This is an easy switch that can significantly improve your relationships.

• Take your most addictive social apps off your phone--- it’s amazing how boring your phone quickly becomes. Or as a compromise try keeping those apps on the last page of your iPhone so you have to scroll for a bit to open it. This gives your slow brain and willpower some time to kick in and decide against opening the sites. I took Facebook and Instagram off my phone. I’m not ready to quit Instagram all together and can’t easily post via my laptop so I now allow myself to re-download the app one day a week if I want to make a post. A bit clunky but worth the sense of freedom I’ve felt.

• Have phone free blocks where you leave your phone at home or hide your device for periods of time.

• Check out these additional resources for further inspiration and ideas on living a less distracted and deeper life. The books Deep Work by Cal Newport and The Shallows by Nicholas Carr. A couple quick videos--- Kelly McGonigal’s advice for breaking tech addiction (2 min video) and  Brian Johnson on the digital sunset . Also, Dallas Hartwig's More Social, Less Media Movement. 

Surprisingly quickly my phone has lost its allure. You can only check for a text or email so many times before it gets boring. I knew that something had shifted when I left my phone at home and I didn’t notice for a couple hours. A month ago that would have been unthinkable. The quality of my relationships has increased and my attention feels stronger. Slowly my tolerance for boredom and silent moments has improved. I even took a nap the other day as I couldn’t turn to Instagram scrolling as my go-to way to relax. The only drawback I’ve noticed so far is the pain of looking around, finally ready to connect, only to notice how distracted most people are.

3 Life Changing Habits

This season I’m going to suggest you upgrade your spring cleaning regimen. I am not one to diminish the power of a de-cluttering session to create massive shifts in your well-being. Anyone who has ever dumped the entire contents of their closet on the floor and given garbage bags of clothes away knows this power intimately. But what I am going to suggest is that this spring you go one layer deeper. This season, while you spring clean, also focus on intentionally reorganizing your living space into a microenvironment that subtly shifts your behavior so you can achieve your health goals with ease and sustainability. Yes, I basically want your environment to trick you into being a healthy, happy person.

As a health coach, I am fascinated by human behavior and what facilitates lasting, behavior change. Almost every patient I’ve worked with has a genuine desire to be healthy and happy and also, seems to have about the same five health goals. They even know what they need to do to achieve those goals. Yet, only a fraction of them seem to be able to create the change they desire despite being motivated, intelligent people with lots of integrity. What gives?

No, I have not come to the conclusion that we are all just lazy and dishonest. As we learn more about human behavior, it appears we outsource a lot of our decision-making and behavior cues to external factors, rendering a large percentage of our decision making unconscious. Our brains seem to get decision fatigue rather quickly, so in order to save our brainpower for the really vital decisions, we form neural networks that ingrain daily decisions into habits that occur mostly on autopilot. Hence, willpower, while a nice idea, ends up being overrated and largely unreliable.

Habits are made up of a cue—routine and reward. Traditionally, we emphasize going straight to changing the routine with less emphasis on reworking the cue or replacing the reward. Without getting overly technical, a lot of exciting research is emerging that shows a lot of our behavior cues are housed in our external environment. It appears when we change our environment, we change our behavior with relative ease (For more information check out the recent NPR article on heroin addiction and Vietnam soldiers.) You can harness this phenomenon in your own home to achieve some of the most common and evasive health goals.

Here are my top three tips in order to make your home one big, health-inducing cue!

1. Create a designated meditation area in your home
The desire to sustain a regular meditation practice is one of the most common health goals people come to me with. In our fast paced world, it is increasingly vital to actively pursue relaxation and contemplation to cultivate healthy brains, nervous systems, and hearts (both physically and emotionally). In the health sphere, meditation continues to crop up as the latest panacea for our physical, mental, and esoteric ailments. How can our environments support building a sustainable meditation practice?
My number one tip is designating a location in your home as your meditation area (or corner or window). Start by pondering what kind of environment will seduce you into sitting down to practice. Don’t worry too much about size here. Placing a candle in a windowsill or the corner of a room counts. Put things that you love and that inspire you there. Keep it fresh and updated. Then meditate every day for about a month in that spot (even if just three minutes). By the end of this time period, you should have the start of a strong meditation habit with the help of this physical cue!

2. Hide your devices
These days, reducing screen time is something many of us strive to do. Despite acknowledging that our increase in screen time contributes to feelings of isolation and disconnection, many still feel powerless over our usage. While the rampant, nearly constant use of technology may feel inevitable and out of our control, we benefit enormously when we bring an element of conscious choice back to our tech habits. This allows us to make empowered decisions about how we’d like to engage with technology so it fosters intimacy and connection, rather than detracts from it.

To get a hold of your technological addictions, I recommend implementing a digital sunset at least one hour before you’d like to go to bed. To structure this ritual within your home environment, the concept of out of sight, out of mind is vital. Most of us don’t have that much control over our addiction to technology and need a physical barrier in order to not be lured back in. Designate a “hiding” spot for your devices. For phones, iPods and iPads, I suggest having a designated drawer or basket you put them in. For TVs and computers, cover them with a blanket. Next, pick a digital sunset time each day and stick to it.   To make this easier, I recommend linking this ritual to something you already do each day (this powerful technique is known as habit stacking). For example, shut down and hide your devices right after dinner or right before you brush your teeth. For extra credit, hide your devices when you eat as well.

Finally, focus on consciously replacing the “reward” you get from engaging with your beloved devices with something that feels like a worthy replacement. Perhaps this is your time to pursue something creative. Maybe it’s when you get to connect more deeply with your partner, read the stack of novels you’ve been meaning to get to, or a chance to get really into taking bubble baths. If nothing else, this habit will do wonders for your sleep as the light of screens impact our circadian rhythms by suppressing the release of the sleep promoting hormone melatonin.

3. Don’t bring unhealthy food into your home. If you do, hide it
This may seem a little extreme but if you are serious about changing your diet, this massively increases your odds of success. We encounter plenty of unhealthy food temptations in our daily lives operating in the birthplace of SAD, the notoriously awful and embarrassing Standard American Diet. If your home is a clean food zone, you will likely reach some semblance of balance. When healthy food is what’s most readily available and easily accessible, you’ll eat healthy foods. Seems like kind of a no-brainer but we often forget to harness this fact.  For example, when Google changed up their cafeteria so water and healthy beverages were at eye level and soda stored below—soda consumption dropped by 7 percent and water consumption increased by 47 percent. In other words, the default, easy choice is generally what we pick, so work this to your advantage!

Let’s come back to reward replacement.   If you have developed a habit of coming home and eating Ben and Jerry’s every night to activate your pleasure centers after a long day, make sure you are replacing it with a reasonable substitute that lights up the reward center at least a little bit. If I you try to go from eating Ben and Jerry’s every night to just drinking water, you better believe you’re going to find yourself at the nearest bodega buying more ice cream. Replacement of the reward is key as you build healthier habits because no one responds well to having something taken away without a decent replacement (including our brains!). You may be wondering, WTF could replace Ben and Jerry’s? Good question. Answer: Nothing! But you might try something like dark chocolate (70 percent or above for less sugar and more antioxidants), chocolate mousse made with bananas or tofu, coconut milk ice cream or fresh fruit.